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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.