Those Words shared by A Dad Which Rescued Me during my time as a New Father

"I believe I was simply just surviving for the first year."

Ex- reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

But the truth soon became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Severe health complications surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I took on every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

Following 11 months he became exhausted. It was a talk with his own dad, on a park bench, that helped him see he required support.

The simple statement "You are not in a healthy space. You must get some help. How can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and start recovering.

His experience is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While people is now better used to talking about the stress on mothers and about postpartum depression, less is said about the challenges dads go through.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his difficulties are linked to a wider inability to talk among men, who often absorb negative ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and doesn't fall time and again."

"It isn't a display of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not justified to be asking for help" - especially in preference to a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental well-being is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the opportunity to request a pause - going on a short trip away, separate from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he required a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings in addition to the day-to-day duties of caring for a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son better understand the vocabulary of emotion and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked reliable male guidance. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says repressing feelings resulted in him make "poor decisions" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, turning in alcohol and substances as an escape from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that don't help," he says. "They may temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will eventually make things worse."

Advice for Managing as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel swamped, confide in a trusted person, your partner or a counsellor what you're going through. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the things that helped you to feel like yourself before having a baby. It could be exercising, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, staying active and when you can, sleep, all are important in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - sharing their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that seeking help is not failure - taking care of your own well-being is the optimal method you can support your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the passing, having had no contact with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead offer the security and nurturing he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - processing the emotions safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men since they acknowledged their pain, transformed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I said, on occasion I believe my purpose is to teach and advise you what to do, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am understanding as much as you are through this experience."